Is it easy to wait until marriage - to say "no" to sex throughout one's dating relationships? For many people, it isn't easy, but it is NOT impossible. In fact, recent research indicates that 52% of teens in America are virgins. (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (1998, August). Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance-United States, 1997. Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report, 47(SS-3), 1-89.)

That means over half of today's teens have never had a sexual relationship! If these teens can control their sexual desires and handle the pressures they face to have sex, so can you.

• A longing to be loved, and a belief that sex will satisfy that longing. (Note: Someone who truly loves you will respect and care about you enough to not try to talk you into having sex! Don't settle for a "cheap imitation" of true love. Sex itself will never satisfy your heart's longing to experience genuine love.)
  
  
• Say or feel they are "in love"
  
  
• Afraid a boyfriend or girlfriend might leave them if they don't do it
  
  
• Want to have a baby, so they will have someone who will love them
  
  
• Think sex will make them popular
  
  
• To experience physical intimacy (closeness)
  
  
• To show independence from parents
  
  
• To hurt or rebel against their parents
  
  
• Curiosity - they want to see what it is like
  
  
• To fit in with others who have had sex or say they have
  
  
• Sexual gratification - to satisfy the natural desire to have sex
  
  
• Don't know how to handle pressure from a boyfriend, a girlfriend, or their friends
  
  
• Get tired of arguing with a boyfriend or girlfriend, and wind up "doing it" just to "get it over with".
  
  
• Believe it is expected or required if someone has a boyfriend or girlfriend
  
  
• Believe everyone else is doing it, so it must be okay
  
  
• Don't fully understand the serious risks sex can cause such as STDs, HIV/AIDS, pregnancy, emotional pain, low self-esteem, deep regrets, guilt, mental anguish, bad reputations, feelings of being used, etc.
  
  
• Don't believe anything bad will happen to them
  
  
• Believe that if they use "protection", they can avoid the problems sex might cause
  
  
• Think that sex will "prove" they are a real "man" or "woman"
  
  
• To show that others find them attractive
  
  
• Feel pressure to have sex because some of their family members see it as an "initiation" into adulthood
  
  
• Now as you read through the list above, were any of those reasons good enough to risk messing up your life, your future dreams, your emotional, physical, or mental health, to run the risk of ruining your reputation, or causing you to lose your life, and perhaps infect someone you deeply love - a future husband, wife, son, or daughter? If you are completely honest with yourself, you will admit that none of those reasons (or "excuses") for having sex before marriage are worth the risks involved.
  
  

TIPS ON HOW TO WAIT

• So suppose you decide you don't want to have sex? Suppose you make a decision that you are going to wait until marriage, but you feel you need some help sticking with that commitment. Here are some suggestions which may help you avoid having sex prior to marriage:
  
  
• · Make a firm commitment to wait until marriage to have sex. Research indicates that those who (1) make solid commitments to save sex for marriage, and (2) inform others of their decisions, are far more likely to hold to their commitments.
  
  
• Weigh the consequences. Whenever you are tempted to have sex, remember that just one sexual experience can lead to some very serious problems such as unplanned pregnancies, sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), getting infected with the AIDS virus (HIV), a bad reputation, guilt, depression, feeling used, getting in trouble with your parents, getting in trouble with the law, emotional pain, and the risk of hurting your relationship with your future husband or wife.
  
  
• Surround yourself with friends who are committed to waiting. If you are hanging out with friends who think it is all right to have sex with their boyfriends or girlfriends, there is a strong possibility they can persuade you to do the same.
  
  
• Tell others your decision to wait. There is no reason to be embarrassed because you have chosen to save sex for marriage. Tell your friends as well as your boyfriends or girlfriends that you have decided to wait. There shouldn't be any question in their minds as to where you stand on this important issue. Besides, you might not only convince some of them to save sex for marriage, but you might also be responsible for literally saving their lives!
  
  
• Group date. Get to know and have fun with boys and girls in groups. You don't have to "pair up" and get seriously involved in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. What's the hurry? Enjoy getting to know and becoming good friends with members of the opposite sex, and then when the time is right, you can start having more serious, dating relationships. (Research indicates some rather alarming facts concerning the age at which people start dating and the percentage of them who become sexually active: 12 years old - 91%; 13 years old - 56%; 14 years old - 53%; 15 years old - 40%; 16 years old - 20%. Simply put, the sooner you start dating, the more likely you are to have sex prior to marriage! (Echenique, Jeannie, USA TODAY, "Early Dating May Lead To Early Sex", November 5, 1986, p. D1.)
  
  
• Make a list of things you will and will not do. Be clear as to what kinds of activities are acceptable and which ones are not. For example, don't be alone with a boyfriend or girlfriend in a isolated place for a long period of time, and don't go to parties where there is no adult supervision.
  
  
• Set your standards well in advance. Know how far is "far enough" in physically expressing your love or affection. If you never do anything more than hug and kiss with all of your clothes on, you won't have to deal with any serious problems or regrets.
  
  
• Avoid using alcohol or drugs. Alcohol and drugs will dramatically affect your ability to make healthy decisions and control your actions. It is also a fact that nearly 60% of teens say they were using alcohol or drugs at the time they had sex, and many of them had not planned to have sex until they were married.
  
  
• Avoid places and people which might make it difficult for you to hold to your standards. Don't allow yourself to get into a place or be surrounded by people you think or know are going to make it difficult for you to say "no" to sex when the time comes.
  

• Avoid sexually explicit movies, music, books, magazines, and TV programs which make sex before marriage appear to be all right. Movies, magazines, music, TV programs, and books which have a lot of sexual content slowly begin to influence our attitudes about sex. If you saturate your mind with all kinds of sexual things, it is likely that your feelings that sex before marriage is not a healthy decision will gradually begin to change. Eventually you may find yourself doing something you otherwise would never have done. That one mistake could lead to a lifetime of regret.
  
  
• Make specific plans for each date. Decide ahead of time exactly what you are going to do with your boyfriend or girlfriend, so you will not wind up going some place you never intended to go or doing something you never intended to do.
  
  
• Only date people who have the same standards as you do. If "saving yourself" for your future husband or wife is important, then why would you choose to become romantically involved with a person who doesn't feel the way you do on something as important as this? You may just be asking for trouble.
  
  
• If someone keeps pressuring you to have sex, break off the relationship. No matter how much you may care about that other person, "your virginity is a gift you can only give once". If you want to give that special gift to your future husband or wife on your wedding night, then it would be foolish to become seriously involved with someone who is trying to "take" that gift from you! After all, "true love" never pressures anyone to do something they don't feel is right, for true love always cares for and respects another person enough to wait!
  
  

SAYING "NO!" WHEN THE PRESSURE IS ON

But what if you find yourself in a situation in which someone is putting a lot of pressure on you to "go all the way" - to engage in some kind of sexual relationship (vaginal sex, oral sex, anal sex, or hand sex)? How are you going to say "no" in a way that the other person clearly understands? Here are some suggestions which we feel will help you avoid having sex prior to marriage:

• Say "NO!" with conviction and determination. Make it perfectly clear that you are not interested in having sex. Begin with the word "I" - "I don't want to do it." Feel free to let the person know you like him or her, but that nothing he or she says is going to change your mind. If you want to give some reasons why you are not going to have sex, you can, but you shouldn't have to explain why your answer is "no". "No" means "no". It's as simple as that.
  
  
• Reverse the pressure by asking questions. Sometimes it helps to put some pressure on the person who is trying to talk you into having sex by asking questions. A few fairly common questions are "Why are you trying to make me do something you know I don't want to do?", "Why are you trying to make me feel guilty for saying ‘no'?", or "Why don't you respect me enough to stop pressuring me?"
  
  
• Don't send any mixed messages. The way you talk, act, and dress may send a message you don't want to send. Make sure that if you say "no", your other words, actions, and body language send the same, exact message. Don't "tease" or "lead someone on" sexually if you have no intentions of having sex. If you do this, the other person may get a confusing message, or worse, become frustrated or angry and physically force you to have sex. Make sure everything you do goes along with the message you hope to send - "I don't want to have sex before I get married."
  
  
• · Walk away from the situation and/or the relationship. If you find yourself in a place where no matter what you say and do, the other person refuses to accept "no" for an answer, then you have to immediately walk away. Get away from the person as best you can before something bad happens. If you allow that relationship to go on, and the other person continues to try to force you to have sex, you have no other choice but to walk away from the relationship no matter how difficult that may be. If you stay in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect your feelings about something as important as sex, then obviously he or she doesn't respect you. That is not true love. It's called "sexual lust": Someone wants you to have sex with him or her for his or her own sexual satisfaction. There is nothing loving about that attitude. You deserve so very much more than to be treated as an object for someone else's sexual gratification. Break off the relationship, and find someone who respects and cares for you enough to accept your decision to "save sex for marriage." It may be hard to walk away, because you might really love that other person. However, your decision to break up with that individual is a decision which, in the long run, you will never regret.
  

In closing, the greatest "wedding gift" you can give your future husband or wife is your "virginity". Do whatever it takes to hold onto that "gift" throughout your dating relationships for your own sake as well as the sake of the person you will marry someday.